Separation and co parenting

At Hollymount, we recognise that families come in many different forms and that separation, divorce, or living across two homes can bring significant change for both children and adults. While separation can be challenging, children can continue to feel safe, loved, and secure when the adults around them work together in a calm, respectful, and child centred way.

Healthy co parenting is not about parents always agreeing. It is about ensuring that children remain at the centre of decision making and are protected from adult conflict.

What is healthy co parenting?

Healthy co parenting means that separated parents or carers work together, where possible, to meet their child’s emotional, physical, educational, and social needs.

This may include:

• Communicating respectfully

• Sharing important information about the child

• Maintaining consistent routines where possible

• Supporting attendance, learning, friendships, and wellbeing

• Helping children feel connected to both sides of their family

• Keeping children away from adult disagreements or legal matters

• Making decisions based on what is best for the child

Children do not need perfect circumstances. They need safe, predictable, emotionally available adults who put their needs first.

How separation can affect children

Children respond to family change in different ways depending on their age, personality, life experiences, and the level of conflict around them.

Some children may:

• Become quieter or more withdrawn

• Show anger, frustration, or emotional outbursts

• Become more anxious or clingy

• Worry about pleasing both parents

• Find transitions between homes difficult

• Have changes in sleep, appetite, or concentration

• Find friendships or learning harder for a period of time

• Feel responsible for adult happiness

• Say they are “fine” while showing changes in behaviour

Many of these responses are normal, particularly during periods of change.

What children need most

Children often cope best when they know:

• Both parents love them

• The separation is not their fault

• They do not have to choose sides

• They are allowed to love both parents

• Adult problems are not their responsibility

• Routines and boundaries remain consistent

• The adults around them are working together

Helpful principles for healthy co parenting

Keep children out of adult conflict

Children should never feel caught in the middle.

Try to avoid:

• Asking children to pass messages

• Questioning children about the other parent

• Sharing legal disputes or adult concerns

• Making children feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent

Speak respectfully

Children often absorb more than adults realise.

Even when emotions are high, children benefit from hearing respectful language about both parents.

Protect routines

Where possible, consistency helps children feel secure.

This may include:

• Similar bedtime routines

• Homework expectations

• School attendance

• Behaviour expectations

• Mealtime routines

Children do not need identical homes, but predictable boundaries often help.

Communicate directly adult to adult

Where possible:

• Use direct communication

• Keep communication factual and child focused

• Avoid emotional or reactive messages

• Focus on solutions, not blame

Support relationships

Children generally benefit from feeling free to maintain positive relationships with both parents and wider family members where it is safe and appropriate.

Notice emotional changes

Family transitions can sometimes affect:

• Confidence

• Sleep

• Friendships

• Emotional regulation

• Appetite

• School engagement

Children may need extra reassurance during periods of change.

Talking to children about separation

Children often benefit from simple, honest, age appropriate messages such as:

"Mum and Dad will be living in different homes, but we both love you very much."

"This is an adult decision. It is not your fault."

"You do not need to fix this. Our job is to take care of you."

Children may need to hear these messages many times.

When children may need additional support

It may be helpful to seek support if your child:

• Becomes increasingly anxious or withdrawn

• Refuses school

• Shows significant changes in behaviour

• Appears highly distressed during transitions

• Talks about feeling responsible for adult conflict

• Shows changes in eating, sleep, or friendships

• Appears fearful of upsetting one parent

Helpful organisations and resources

Families may find these organisations helpful:

• National Association of Child Contact Centres – support with child contact arrangements

• Cafcass – child focused family guidance

• Relate – family and relationship support

• Family Lives – parenting advice and family support

• YoungMinds – emotional wellbeing support for children and families

What we may do at school to help

If your family is going through change, school may be able to support through:

• Sensitive communication with parents and carers

• Emotional check ins with trusted adults

• Pastoral and wellbeing support

• ELSA support where appropriate

• Supporting transitions and routines

• Helping children feel safe, heard, and understood

• Working professionally and impartially with all adults who have parental responsibility

At Hollymount, we know that family life can sometimes be complex. Our priority is always the wellbeing, safety, and happiness of the child. By working together in a respectful, child centred way, children can continue to feel secure, loved, and able to thrive.